Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Love is like playing checkers. You have to know which man to move.
There's nothing worse than trying to be funny and not being funny.
That's the compliment I get most often - 'You guys are so honest.'
There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
I'm a Jew. I think of myself as a Jew first and Englishman second.
If you have a friend with a blond mustache, he wants to touch you.
I'm actually shy and my salvation is coming home and being normal.
I'm dirty, I'm irreverent - but I'm still a very topical comedian.
I'm honest, at the end of the day - I'm obese, but I'm not obtuse.
Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!
Religion can only dream to do what science and art does every day.
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
I don't believe in God. ...I hope he doesn't hold that against me.
I'm a failed pop star. I always sneak a song into everything I do.
I was David Bowie-thin up to about 28, and then I discovered food.
Your reputation is still the most important thing that you've got.
Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.
My mum brought me up on her own. All we really had was each other.
Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.
I love 'The View,' so when you're living the dream, it's not work.
There is so much we can learn from TV. It's a window on the world.
How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
Comics definitely embody the importance of practicing free speech.
Wild Thing made their hearts sing. But he couldn't top everything.
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.
Bernie Sanders is all about being humane and loving to each other.
You know, I left the country when Reagan got in; I went to France.
The GRAMMY was a huge deal. It's the height of any musical career.
I've met a lot of jazz musicians in my day, and they're all funny.
I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.
Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.
The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.
A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.
I Was so Drunk, I Thought a Tube of Toothpaste Was Astronaut Food.
Doing a format parody is one of my favorite things to do in comedy.
Human capacity for not thinking about what we're doing is infinite.