Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
My life had made me funny, and cancer wasn't going to change that.
I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn't send one.
Never try to be funny right before people are about to masturbate.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
I didn't have things as a child, and I was determined to get them.
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.
You can't have cinema by committee if you're trying to do it well.
Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.
For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey.
I have a new rule where I only follow fashion people on Instagram.
Testosterone makes you completely out of control, but that's okay.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
To me the important thing for a comic to be is emotionally honest.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
It's very hard to be a good actor, you know. It's easy to be cute.
I grew up a geek. I added comedy to it midway through high school.
I love Boston, and I had a very lovely childhood in Massachusetts.
Christmas coming means one thing for comedians: office party gigs!
We don't have 'posh' in Canada. It's just not a thing that exists.
I've only been to these foreign countries: Canada, L.A. and Miami.
I use Wikipedia and eBay; I look for singles for my 1950s jukebox.
If I didn't believe it in my own mind, I never would have seen it.
You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.
I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.
I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.
I finally learned to love myself by dressing up as Geri Halliwell.
Seven thirty in the morning is too early for a man of my standing.
How do we get a pantomime cow on set. Jeez, the rigours of satire.
I think some of the best modern writing comes now from travellers.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."