Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind.
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.
Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
Difficult People? I don't really know. I don't have those metrics.
I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.
For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
I've been married fifty-five years and I've been home three weeks.
I have nine compartments in my brain, and four of them don't stop.
Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!
I am conversational - I just like to engage and talk about things.
I've never seen a NASCAR race; I've seen an Indianapolis 500 race.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.
It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
I can't help it. I want to be a good Catholic, but I'm a hedonist.
We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.
America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
When shooting in the dark, it is a good idea to use a machine gun.
I must have seen the 'Twlight Zone' movie, like, a thousand times.
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don't discover why.
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
Once you been performing on the streets you can conquer any venue.
Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.
I am not one of those guys who pretends not to enjoy his own work.
A bully can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Pets are found to suffer from all the ailments known to the human.
I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.
Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.
I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it.
You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
I have sadness in me. I have anger in me. I have heartbreak in me.
Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.