Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.
A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Honesty has always been an integral part of my operation, really.
The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!
Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
I don't really care for like fat jokes about women, specifically.
Being a purple van man means I have my own perspective on things.
I'll vote for whoever is the Democrat. That's all I need to know.
If you take a tube TV to a donation center, they won't accept it.
Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
As I say I don't want to kill myself, I just wouldn't mind dying.
Nothing in this world is at it seems. Except, possibly, porridge.
Nature admits no hierarchy of beauty or usefulness or importance.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
So what if I cant spell Armageddon, its not the end of the world.
Dogs are fur repositories for everything you can't say to humans.
I'm cheerfully optimistic about life. Optimism is very important!
I am a very ginger-coloured person, but I don't have orange hair.
Most of the best songwriters that ever lived couldn't read music.
Christ is in all, meaning that the divine spark is in all things.
I've never been afraid to fall in love, nor impatient to find it.
The first piano was built long after they didn't have any at all.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
There’s a benefit to losing, you get to learn from your mistakes.
Anyone who does anything creative is always gonna want to change.
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
Generational thinking has always been reductive and condescending.
Genghis Miliband roars up to the despatch box like a caged donkey.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.
The past is so reliable, so delightful and the best place to live.
I'd rather sink with a bad theory than swim with muddy pragmatism.
I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
I didn't know how serious it is to a female that you lift the lid.
You can't 'cope with' change anymore than you can 'manage' stress.
I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.