Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
I think all women in all industries have more obstacles than men.
Wheat Thins? Call me when they're Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
It is individuals who have human rights, not religions or beliefs
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.
I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.
There are a lot of difficult situations that lead to awkwardness.
Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.
I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.
If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.
Anybody can be going from being broke to being wealthy, as I did.
I think to keep yourself fresh, you need to try different things.
If you're waiting for inspiration, you'll wait until you're dead.
I would make it illegal to walk into a comedy club with a tie on.
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
I used to do my dad smoked, he drank, we finally had to kill him.
All great comedians make me laugh, but people make me laugh more.
Well, isn't every successful person in every family the bankbook?
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.
I like to respond with jokes and to keep it as light as possible.
Our preachers weren't always right, but they were never in doubt.
I like the comedians that go into detail and tell longer stories.
I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy.
I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I didn’t get into this business for other people to know my name.
If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.
If you're happy with what you're doing, then you don't get bored.
That's the biggest rule in Hollywood: Don't spend your own money.
There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.
In the absence of truth there is confusion, the essence of truth.