Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My parents only had one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
I made about 28 movies, and I think about five of them were good.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish
The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was.
Break as few bones as possible and make as much noise as you can.
For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business.
Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.
If you're not a beautiful person, you can't do anything about it.
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.
What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.
Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.
There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up.
I'll work for whoever wants to hire me. Even the jewelry channel.
We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
I just want to find somebody special, somebody that I click with.
It's such fun to take a lot of people and create something silly.
Being your own man does not mean taking advantage of anyone else.
Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
I am interested in how human beings react to crisis and conflict.
There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.
Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
I can always create new material. That's something I can control.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.