Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.
If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.
On the first night it was on telly, Channel 4 had 17 complaints.
I auditioned nine times for 'Delhi Belly,' and it was torturous!
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.
Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
My sister and I had a lemonade stand - with a two-drink minimum.
I'm a big old egotistical baby and that's okay. I can accept it.
It's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.
Even the most embarrassing mishap can be spun into comedic gold.
Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.
People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.
We've had erratic, weird presidents before. America's still here.
A lot of Latinos are like me: third generation, English speaking.
It always seemed to be a constant that my parents were political.
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
Definitely the most important thing in my life is being a father.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.
I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
I loved the [English] countryside. I went to John Bonham's grave.
My dad was a dentist but I wasn't a hygienist. I assisted my dad.
If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it.
My grandfather said, "When you become senile, you won't know it."
You know my father's favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.
I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne.
I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.
When you tolerate intolerance, you're not really being a liberal.
Whatever good religion has done, it has come at a terrible price.
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
My father would read me Page Six instead of, like, kids' stories.
Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.
I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.
If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.
Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!
Some people don't realize that I've had a career pre-commercials.