Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department.
I don't need to do a reality show to make my mark in this world.
I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
I'm not the hugest comic book person, but I do love superheroes.
I hate when pastors have a gay son and then they become pro-gay.
I think there's a bias against fat people on network television.
My name is Ralphie. How many Ralphie's do you know? It's unique.
In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.
It will be great to play a short, fat sweaty loser for a change.
Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.
I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
Don't get me wrong - intellectual snobbery is vulgar and gauche.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I also quite like to be recognized by children; I find it sweet.
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
I just don't care what people like Lily Allen think about stuff.
Whenever the word 'weird' is mentioned it can only be an insult.
Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.
people say churches are half empty, they're not, they're too big
Brown is definitely my colour. I like it's understated drabness.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse
Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
Wit can be beautiful, because it expresses and distills an idea.
Cynical is the name we give those we fear may be laughing at us.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I'd have worked with an orchestra, been a chef, or a zoo keeper.
Ideally, you don't speak until you have something honest to say.