Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
I'm pale, and people need to accept that I'm almost see-through.
I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.
My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself.
I just feel like estrogen is bad hormones, and seen as shameful.
Everyone traveling alone is just on their phones the whole time.
Anne hated the idea of putting me down in front of the audience.
I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time.
We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.
Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria.
There is a single entendre, but I don't know about a triple one.
I'm proud to be Canadian. But I identify as being a British mum.
I was raised Catholic in the Midwest, so I can't enjoy anything.
I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.
I love buying things I wouldn't normally buy, especially cigars.
Comedy was an easy choice for me because I didn't have a career.
I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
I would trade everything I have to have had a happier childhood.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.
If you have sex, it should be for you, not for the other person.
I'm super-obsessed with 'Intervention.' I wrote a song about it.
I don't expect to be thin, but I'd like to feel a bit healthier.
Love is such a confusing word. You think I'm joking but I'm not.
You know, you can't make the people do what you want them to do.