Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.
Remember, no one can hurt your feelings without your permission
I love UFC, vigilante films, and any acts of merciless heroism.
I think Spielberg is a master. I think 'Jaws' invented a genre.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.
To do comedy, you have to be a pretty good actor to start with.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
College atheletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.
I don't want someone coming in and passing judgment on my life.
They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.
Being with friends felt like a burden. I remember just sobbing.
You don't have to put dresses in a movie to make girls like it.
Incidentally, I'm still looking for acting work, my first love.
I think faith in each other is much harder than faith in God...
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I'd really like to see Mary Berry busting out a Pitbull number!
I can put on a £1,000 item of clothing and make it look a mess.
It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.
Death is not the enemy. A life lived without love is the enemy.
I believe our emotional tension can manifest itself physically.
Twitter is a place where there is extreme vitriol at all times.
Nobody owns comedy. Nobody owns a premise. Nobody owns an idea.
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.
I'm a bit of a gourmet chef. I love cooking - mostly Thai food.
What about Santa's cookies? I suppose 'parents' eat those, too?
Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.
People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice.
I have one of the worst voices in the history of recorded time.
I love being recognized. I love talking with - can I say 'fans'?
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
It's my theory that comedy is going to die out in the year 6000.
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?
I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.