Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do.
I'm not married. I hope to be someday so I can stop exercising.
I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.
I've got a hat face. My mother always said I've got a hat face.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die.
Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
The thing about stand-up is that you end up meeting your idols.
It's a completely useless emotion - jealousy. I don't go there.
I was raised Catholic in the Midwest, so I cant enjoy anything.
If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.
I've never been able to keep my finger on the pulse of fashion.
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.
When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.
I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'
The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.
Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate.
I think comedy is an angry art form; it's an outsider art form.
I have permanent damage to my body because I wanted to be thin.
I want truth. I'm crying out to hear it. I need it like oxygen.
The way we censor in America is the dollar. That's who censors.
That's what life is all about: remembering someone and smiling!
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
I used to go out with actresses and other female impersonators.
I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind.
I never feel guilty or anything after a podcast; I feel better.
Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
Comedians period, in general, have demons, and myself included.
I like a Blackpool breakfast, me - 20 ciggies and a pot of tea.
When my dog Buster died, I couldn't get over it. I was in bits.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
I miss working with great actors, working with great directors.
Roses are red, violets are blue, so are my balls thanks to you.
I keep my nose clean. I let the drama go on with somebody else.
I'm not into looking crisp. That's not how I dress or who I am.