Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.
Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
I want my tombstone to read: If this is a joke, I don't get it.
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.
Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore.
Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.
It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.
I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?
I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Tell your girlfriend or wife you love them everyday. Like I do!
It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others.
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
The Miami Beach audience is the greatest audience in the world!
The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.