Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
If you laugh with somebody, then you know you share something.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.
There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.
I had a thirst for knowledge. I was always curious about stuff.
Comedians are always narrating the story of the people. Always.
Black people have to define who we are, or others do it for us.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
We live in the age of entitlement, as opposed to enlightenment.
When the sun shines in Britain there's no finer place on Earth.
When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.
Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!
It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.
We just want to be remembered before something is set in stone.
I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.
Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag.
Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?
I couldn't just get up every day and be miserable and complain.
'Billy on the Street' is the hardest thing that I will ever do.
I'm still a kid in his bedroom, writing songs and playing them.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The South may not always be right, but by God it's never wrong!
Let them that don't want none have memories of not gettin' any.
If you can get a laugh out of a name, you're ahead of the game.
I know Samantha Bee, and I know she's not a racist or anything.
My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?
I played tournament chess from fifth grade up into high school.
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
Doors of the future are open to those who know how to push them
Silence is a statement that is open to gross misinterpretation.
I'm a good audience in general, but it's hard to make me laugh.
I saw the 'Balls of Fury' script, and I was skeptical at first.
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.