Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
It's no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn't inconvenient.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
In life, a lot of great ideas sound insane or absurd at first.
Falling in love was the easy part; planning a wedding - yikes!
He who turns the other cheek will get hit with the other fist.
You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?
Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.
Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.
Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.
Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.
I consume a lot of podcasts. I'm a voracious podcast consumer.
I disagree with the idea that everything happens for a reason.
The idea of saying 'the handsome Pete Holmes' is preposterous.
It's hard to control the things that are going to inspire you.
I can only write about what I know, I'd be crap anywhere else.
Some nights you walk off stage and go 'That was a good crowd.'
People think that I live in England and have a British accent.
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
I'm 70; I'm just glad I'm on top of the ground. Honest to God.
Take a picture not a trophy This is how real men shoot animals
I find comedy easy, and I find drama exciting and tantalising.
How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.
Being a mother is hard and it wasn't a subject I ever studied.
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced
Nigel Farage and Sean Hannity is like a super group of idiots.
If anybody needs any help with anything, I'm prepared to help.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
I might do a fitness video. Actually, more of a fatness video.
Please don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes.
I mean, where I come from, 'communism' is not a terrible word.
A TV show is constant work, which is the great thing about it.
There is a certain security in having a great supporting cast.
I believe God has called His people to be a light in darkness.
I have so much hair; I have a separate wig closet in my house.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
I may have looked happy but inside I was hopelessly depressed.
I want you to know that you are not alone in your being alone.
Literature is the only access to truth we have on this planet.
In a dung heap, even a plastic bead can gleam like a sapphire.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.