Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a lightbulb.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
So, I'm from the South. So I guess that makes me South Korean.
Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
I guess intractable right-wing ideologues are my mortal enemy.
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
I've got a hat face. My mother always said I've got a hat face
My family was as absolute as the work.Family was first always.
Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
On stage is the only place where I really know what I'm doing.
I have a photographic memory; I just haven't developed it yet.
I know what I like, and I'm not trying to adapt to new things.
When I lived in Chicago, I didn't like it. It's nice to visit.
My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
Good satire hopefully provides thought-provoking conversation.
The fact is, there's no such thing as "The Age of Abstinence."
Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.
Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.
Surveillance induced morality: relics of cultural retardation.
There's a fine line between cultural criticism and bitterness.
Since I became a dancer, I have felt much better about myself.
Monogamy is so weird. Like when you know their name and stuff.
I am in love with Counting Crows. It is so manly and American.
That's part of being an artist; you have to be that sensitive.
Men are like parking spots: sometimes I drive my car into them
Why do we 'drive' on a 'parkway' but 'park' at a 'strip club'?
Whatever I write I publish. Because that's where the money is.
I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries.
I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.
The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.
I've yet to write a stand-up show that isn't autobiographical.
The list of fun and easily-fixed brain diseases is very short.
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.