Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Marriage is only good for two things: tax breaks and adultery.
Do not stand directly in front of a cannon...how true that is.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the hope of dying young.
It's like a bird. If he knew what he was doing, he would fall.
Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
I'm allergic to chemicals in food so I eat only organic foods.
Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty.
I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.
Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
The best advice I can give you about falling is to never land.
I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
I am a spiritualist, a proud wearer of the spiritualist badge.
Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.
I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.
I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.
Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful.
I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.
Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.
Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.
If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
I've gotten to a place where I really am just settled. Really.
I pay taxes in three countries, but can't vote in any of them.
Accepting yourself as you are is an act of civil disobedience.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.
I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.