Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My family wasn't the Brady Bunch. They were the Broody Bunch.
I really have a problem with any kind of drug, I always have.
The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.
You have to take the chance to bomb and disappoint audiences.
Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
[I like] Die Hard and Paul Verhoeven movies. S - t like that.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.
Yooralla is a people pleaser with a very powerful PR machine.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
I don't have it in my personality to be frightened of things.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Because I hate fake people and I always think I'm never fake.
I'm a stand-up comedian-turned-actor-turned-vampire at night.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.
Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.
It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point.
Happens I am very political. I have deep political instincts.
A lot of the language about Millennials is extremely gendered.
We had so much fun in Ghana and they are really lovely people.
I like when something makes you think after you stop watching.
You cannot be this successful without having God on your side.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
I have always played a slightly ineffectual, bumbly, nice guy.
Paddle boarding: it's the closest you get to walking on water.
Comedy should be fluid. It should be both Left and Right wing.
When I say, I don't care what white people think, I mean that.
Things from real life are the things that get people laughing.
Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.
This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.
My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.