Quotes by Comedian of the Authors - Page 73

Grid View List View
Quote of the DayPicture QuotesTop 100 Inspirational QuotesTop 100 Love QuotesTop 100 Happiness Quotes
Aldous HuxleyCarl JungNapoleon HillJohann Wolfgang Von GoetheThomas AquinasCharles SpurgeonChanakyaFrancis Of AssisiPope FrancisCarrie Fisher
PowerExperienceThank YouBreak Up4th Of JulyHealthLoveKindnessMomInspiring

I'm sure kids had masturbated by sixth grade. I had for sure.

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

I don't think it's a contradiction to find painfulness funny.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Ozzy Osbourne is one of my favorite interviews, he's so good.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I like 'American Idol' because it's an actual talent contest.

I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.

I never assume anyone will see or like things I do, honestly!

I don't get hangovers - it's some kind of superhuman ability.

[On cloning sheep:] Oh great, just what we need - more sheep.

Since I was 14. I grew up surfing. That's all I wanted to do.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.

I want Jesus to come back and say 'THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT'" -

I feel like people have more in common than the news reports.

We all take losses and it's about getting up and coming back.

I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

I knew about Elvis. Of course, everybody knew about him then.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

I'm obsessive, I'm a control freak, I get snappy with people.

I'm not good at Reddit; I don't go to the most popular parts.

I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.

Everything I write in my show is a collaboration with a team.

We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.

I think you owe me something for deceiving me so exquisitely.

If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic.

I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

When you do stand-up, it's so autonomous: I can say anything.

I have no disagreement with the aims of anti-vivisectionists.

Most comics give you what you want. I give you what you need.

Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

You can do law with a law degree. You can't do anything else.

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.

I fought a bear once. But it started crying, so I let it off.

You don't know what a semi-colon does... sort of like my act.

I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

Share This Page