Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.
Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.
I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
What makes a home home? Animals, and a little bit of clutter.
Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.
Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.
If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
You usually have to wait for that which is worth waiting for.
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.
I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.
I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.
You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!
God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
I got locked into a tradition [at Cambridge] of doing comedy.
We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.
I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.
When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
People who annoy people are the luckiest people in the world.
The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.
You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill.
You release these things, and if they fly then you have more.
And remember, every pound you give leaves you a pound poorer.
I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Protesting the color of a man's skin is not a worthy protest.
I'm not a big fan of the comics competing against each other.
We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.