Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.
I have never wanted to claim I know what is best for Israel.
I'm a naturally open person - some might say radically open.
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.
I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.
There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.
The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.
I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.
I don't want to have to be a teacher so I can be a comedian.
Nonresidents have a tendency to rush their visits to Harlem.
My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.
I'm not a comedian who wants to spend far too long on stage.
We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.
I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.
I like 'Donnie Darko;' it's a cool take on dreams and sleep.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Once you've gotten used to performing, you can't give it up.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
Belly was not a bad movie. It was visually very interesting.
Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.
Sandwiches are wonderful. You don't need a spoon or a plate!
People ask me, when was my best time? I always say, 'Today.'
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
I have always been against cruelty to animals and remain so.
I've got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.
Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!
I consider myself something of a self-taught anthropologist.
I'm not like Madonna. I haven't changed my lilt in my voice.
Only he [Gordon Gekko] is a lot smarter than [Donald] Trump.
Popularity and democracy aren't a judge, they're just stats.
Same-sex marriage is not a gay privilege, it's equal rights.
How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
My life goal is not to ruin anyone's existence. I'm a comic.