Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.
I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.
We're all going to die someday - we might as well have fun.
When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to mime.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Don't force yourself to go party if you're not in the mood.
Hey, you're going to hurt someone if you keep doing that!!!
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
I'm a huge fan of mine. I go to just about every show I do.
I was always rewarded for being funny. I liked being funny.
Nothing translates worse than comedy into the printed word.
I don't enjoy sparring with the audience. It devastates me.
If politicians all told the truth, we'd be out of business.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes
The writing is just a boring job. It's just a horrible job.
'The Rocky Horror Show' was actually my first musical love.
I still can't set up the ironing-board. A complete Luddite.
Without fake tan I have the skin tones of a dead jellyfish.
You can't hold comedy back, because it needs to be exposed.
Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.
I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
I'm definitely allergic, by the way, but I love kitty cats.
Alice Levine has great unique style and beautiful red hair.
I am behind Kanye West for American President 100 per cent.
I'm very careful not to tell a joke just to get a reaction.
I'm actually thrilled with the woman I'm turning out to be.
I have a very clear separation between my life and my work.
I don't look at comedy as a sliding scale of offensiveness.
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.
Hate speech and freedom of speech are two different things.
I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.
I think I have always tried to connect my comedy to my art.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.
I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.
You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
Comedy is the only weapon I have to battle totalitarianism.
Comedy is quite a difficult place for queers and for women.