Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Here's to democracy. May we get the government we deserve.
The only thing that really depresses me is animal cruelty.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.
It's odd because some actors are very scared of comedians.
The only thing I've cooked while entertaining is stir-fry.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
The gray has gone away. I am living in bright Technicolor.
I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.
Lots of people think that bisexual means cowardly lesbian.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
Long hair doesn't look good on me because my hair is fine.
I'm a big Hitchcock fan, and I love anything by Almodovar.
I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.
The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy.
There's a hierarchy in prison, and I was right at the top.
No. Maceo played sax, didn't he, well they used to sit in.
When the blind lead the blind, they all fall in the canal.
A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
No matter how much you screw up your life, you can fix it.
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
Shakespeare was a smart dude. He was the president of Rome.
Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
I've decided the secret of parenting is benevolent neglect.
Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.
That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.
Nobody asked you to flip burgers for the rest of your life.