Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
I have an insatiable desire to be the center of attention.
I like to think I'm a bit smarter than I sometimes let on.
I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.
I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations.
Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.
I'm totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David.
I've never had Botox. But I like people to imagine I have.
Family is the one thing that is definitely not disposable.
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.
Creative comedy is like growing geraniums in a mine field.
Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
I like Fox, but I also like Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon.
I do like talk shows. I'm interested in talking to people.
I don't know that I'd be a comedian if I stayed in Canada.
I'd never say something that I didn't feel I could defend.
A pope going through a faith crisis would be funny to see.
When you're married with kids, you just think differently.
I hate all adverts for alcohol. They're evil. All of them.
If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.
You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.
Whoever's president I'm not going to be short on material.
Weight is a glanduar thing, as well as an emotional thing.
Im not a mom, but I think the word mother is about wisdom.
Geography is the subject which holds the key to our future
Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.
I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So it's over.
I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show.
I've got four dogs, eight chickens, 10 sheep and six pigs.
I'm the only comedian qualified to navigate a supertanker.
I'm even handed. I just point out the stupidity we all do.
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.
I love show business. I wake up every morning and kiss it.