Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
My wife is my teammate. She's my best friend. I love her.
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.
I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.
Unlike religious people, I look at all religions equally.
Whatever else is happening, things are better in the sun.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, 'people.'
I think jokes can actually go to places that drama can't.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Surfing should be called "foam-choking" or "sea stabbing.
You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.
A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
I want to write musicals for my whole life. I always did.
Cigarettes, I won't do cigarettes, nicotine will kill ya.
I never did smoke that much pot; never was a big pothead.
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
I tried snowboarding, and that scared the hell out of me.
Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.
If You don't like Gay Marriage, Don't Marry a Gay Person.
Your date of birth is a security point for identity theft.
My parents just neglected me, I wasn't abused or anything.
You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.
I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.
The truth is deafening, no matter how softly it is spoken.
I slept on a friend's kitchen floor for a year and a half.
I used to like beer, but it makes me feel slightly queasy.
There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess.
You are more important to yourself than you think you are.
The absolute truth is that there is no power in celebrity.
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.
I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.
And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.
I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.
A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.
Know your religion, know who you are and don't be ashamed.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.