Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Comedy is very controlling - you are making people laugh.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.
If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
I was a big fan of sketch comedy and cartoons growing up.
Part of being a comic is being flexible, being versatile.
Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.
Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.
My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.
It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
Instant coffee is just old beans that have been cremated.
When I arrived in Las Vegas, I felt I was embraced by it.
I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son
I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.
I love playing idiots. I love very weird, confused women.
My goal is to always play interesting and very odd women.
Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.
It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'
You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.
Grow up and let anyone try to content with the adult you.
I’m not playing the race card. I’m playing the rice card.
When people think the world of you, be careful with them.
Grow up and let anyone try to contend with the adult you.
All techniques of comedy are valid and interesting to me.
I'm going to end up making twenty films if people let me.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
It's the most unglamourous glamour business in the world.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.
Whoever has the most at stake should have the most power.
I think the best black screenwriter is Quentin Tarantino.
It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.