Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
I really respect my craft and obligation to my audience.
I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets.
I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.
I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.
Contact with the customer is what business is all about.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light
Country music is about new love and it's about old love.
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
I've never said I have OCD, as I haven't been diagnosed.
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
I am full of gratitude for my life - and for this house.
If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.
Just start writing and you'll find what you want to say.
Young writers take themselves very seriously in college.
I've realised that my strength is writing around people.
I had all the intentions of being the next Eddie Murphy.
You can't solve a problem until you address the problem.
I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...
I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.
I take my pet lion to church ever Sunday. He has to eat.
I think comedians see themselves as people among people.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid.
When you a 'has-been', just think of where you HAS-BEEN.
You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.
Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
Bullying new comics at open mic nights? NOT ON MY WATCH!
It’s the method of consumption, not what’s on the plate.
Someday I'm going to go onstage in a dress if I want to.
Mothers don't want to pinch me or put me in their purse.
My belief is guns don't kill people, people kill people.
Death isn't a funny thing. We're all lucky to be living.
I have terrible memory and really bad teeth as a result.
Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Doing the O2 Arena in London in 2011 was pretty awesome.
Self-worth and financial worth become indistinguishable.
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
You don't need to be famous to live a life as an artist.
If I don't do stand-up for two weeks, I get freaked out.