Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.
Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?
They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.
The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh.
I served in World War II in our fight to defeat fascism.
Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.
No day is so bad that it can not be fixed by a good nap.
I don't have any kids. Well, at least none I know about.
Loyalty and communication are always rewarded in sports.
Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.
Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.
A black Christian is like a black person with no memory.
Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.
Nothing surpasses the beauty and elegance of a bad idea.
In order for a man to be truly evil, he must be a woman.
I got sick of the dough, and thought I'd go on the loaf.
My kids have a competitive drive I never had growing up.
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.
I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.
We've got 12-year-old boys dressing up as transvestites.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?
Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.
It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.
A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.
A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.
Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.
In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.
I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
I'm a believer that things happen. Fate is what happens.
No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.
If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.
I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.