Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.
Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.
When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend
Kentucky Fried Chicken.. KFC... Keep Fooling Customers.
Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
I can't stand folk who are all snobby about reality TV.
I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
I'm a much nicer guy than people think I'm going to be.
Turn off the AM Radio and get invited to your own life.
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
The first twenty shows at TV 23 were really a workshop.
Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.
Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.
I don't mean to hate people, I just get forced into it.
Gay is when two girls get together, dance and have fun.
Growing up in Canada, I dated a few ice hockey players.
If you didn't laugh at Jared Fogle, then you would cry.
People have said that to me: They say I have a TV face.
I think comedians start off as pranksters or something.
The category I come closest to is 'lumberjack hipster.'
I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.
We all behave as though what we think is true, is true.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
When you're quite young, your imagination's quite free.
Enough people like me. Enough to let me sleep at night.
I love looking after animals. I find it very enjoyable.
There's something very refreshing about being on stage.
I giggle when I put myself down. It's just funny to me.
I really don't go out every night to red-carpet events.
I booked an E-Trade commercial. That's a lucrative gig.
What's an archive, son? Is that anything like a closet?
As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.
To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.
When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude.
There's nothing worse than being an aging young person.
If I ain't horny, I check to see if my heart's beatin'.
Being on the edge isn't as safe, but the view is better