Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.
If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.
Avoid fatty foods, Bensonhurst, and hair care products.
You can't observe as much if you're observed by others.
People were making fun of redheads before I came along.
When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.
Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.
A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.
Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?
Laughter is the best way to release tensions and fears.
But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!
I never buy a house thinking that I'm going to sell it.
I just believe in a huge universe of billions of miles.
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason
Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.
Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.
Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
My point of reference is life, in everything that I do.