Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
When I watch TV, I'm embarrassed by some of what's on.
Life, especially in America, is ruled by corporations.
Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.
I always dreamed of being Maria in The Sound of Music.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
What drives the creative person is that we see it all.
The Africans know I'm not an African. I'm an American.
Most people are really dedicated to doing good things.
I love doing a show that makes no mention of ethnicity.
Guilt is a weird thing to me. I don't have a lot of it.
I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.
I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.
My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage.
I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America.
Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact.
I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.
Acting is the most demanding, painful job in the world.
As long as the world keeps spinning, I'll keep riffing.
I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
I don't care what right-wing white people are thinking.
In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.
It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.
If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.
Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.
Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.
I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Do you guys like impressions? "Why?" That was Socrates.
Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.
Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.
If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.
Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?
Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.