Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you're a gunfighter, you like to die in the street.
If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.
In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline.
Adrenaline is so strong that none of us understand it.
Always say no to drugs. It will drive the prices down.
Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
Politicians don't really bring up religion in England.
Isolated incidents have lateral, lasting implications.
Sometimes your dreams come true, and it's a real drag.
I'm not leaving America because it doesn't support me.
The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.
You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.
Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.
Free speech is the cornerstone to every right we have.
Once the travel bug bites, there is no known antidote.
Life is unfair and improv is a great metaphor of that.
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.
Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?
I just want to open people's eyes to different things.
I'm living the life of liberty, happiness and pursuit.
Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.
RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
I want to see as many black professionals as possible.
Rich and famous is not bad, but poor and famous sucks.
The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
I'm not religious anymore, but I was raised religious.
The redemption plot is one of the oldest story shapes.
I didn't know there were so many ghosts in [New] York.
America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
Men who write love letters don't live in this century.
If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
I think your ambition for something changes as you go.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
If I'm super scared or sick, I'll still suck my thumb.
As a performer, I'm very, very confident in what I do.
I just don't let that mentality be a part of my world.
The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.
Uh, stay fat people - That's my motto. It's no picnic!
Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
Come back, and do that thing, be lovely to each-other.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy.