Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The key to longevity is to interact with other people.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh.
I think you can directly link chihuahuas to Dow Jones.
I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
You can't get any better than TV on HBO, ABC and BBC3.
I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning.
If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Who goes from America to Africa for medical attention?
I just found out that I have more allies than America!
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.
No being should be killed. No being should be unloved.
Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.
Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.
I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage.
I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child.
Any comedic entertainment is better when you get high.
I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.
The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
ESPN has so many characters, it's like 'The Simpsons.'
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
There's a difference to being humble and being humbled
It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
I would say that Lucy, 'I Love Lucy,' she was my idol.
Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
My family is funny. I think you're born with the gene.
I believe in always having a lot of irons in the fire.
It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
I'm a sucker for any guy with an accent with any kind.
I'm not a person who carries my emotions on my sleeve.
Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy