Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
You can't love your team without hating another team.
I don't understand why people don't remember my name.
I do celebrate anything with freedom in it, you know.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
You fool! You're 30 cents away from having a quarter!
At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
I'm not going to give up the shock part of my comedy.
We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.
I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.
Like vichyssoise, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
You know, I've never thought of myself as a comedian.
Authenticity means to be the author of your own life.
I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.
When I forget how talented God is, I look to the sea.
For some reason, all artists have self-esteem issues.
Aren't we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
I love playing the macho guy who looks like an idiot.
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
There's always going to be some hate on the Internet.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
I was hugely disappointed that 'Whites' was cancelled.
Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.
Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
I used to live on a houseboat near Hammersmith Bridge.
As a big music fan, England is an amazing place to go.
If you can find humour in anything, you can survive it
You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
I hate religion. I think it's a neurological disorder.
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.
Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.
I don't get all the anger that is thrown at comedians.
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.