Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head.
It takes twenty years to become an overnight success.
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
Where I play, the greens always break toward the bar.
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
[Roseanne Roseannadanna line:] It's always something.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.
My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.
People honk at you if you meditate at the stop light.
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things.
Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.
It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
I love TV, I love writing, but I love movements more.
I never went to church when I was in college, either.
I don't care if I offend people. I really don't care.
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.
My aesthetic is, in short, 'cool substitute teacher.'
It's rare in satirical comedy not just to be cynical.
Sometimes your dreams come true, and its a real drag.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
My kids would say I'm strict, but I don't think I am.
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
I can't be intimidated by anyone wearing a housecoat.
The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.
For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.
If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
[On old age:] You wake up one morning and you got it.
I've known for quite a while that I was a funny girl.
I've been living out of a suitcase for over a decade.
There aren't any messages in my social protestations.
It's impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho!
He that searches for praise will often find contempt.