Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
I drink for the honorable purpose of getting bagged.
Never put a razor inside your nose - even as a joke.
Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
Being on a sitcom stops me from getting Alzheimer's.
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.
Obviously I'm 100-percent for freedom of expression.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
South Park started as a little video Christmas card.
Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.
Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth!
I'm really good at standup. I always win at standup.
It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
The power of visibility can never be underestimated.
I think reality television is such a special talent.
I'm a Taurus, you know. A bull. I belong in a field.
I kind of want everyone to think I'm a crazy person.
I'd much rather try and fail than talk about trying.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Being pretty was always a very big thing growing up.
You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.
Chicken pot pie--those are my three favorite things.
Theatre is how I first encountered art on any level.
There's a bit of truth in everything I do, you know.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
I am fascinated by real people who are really funny.
I'm too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.
You make me wish that birth control was retroactive.
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
The world isn't made of atoms, it's made of stories.
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
Portland is incredible. It's the most amazing place.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.