Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't wear no condom and I don't plan for no kids.
I got into Temple University on a track scholarship.
I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.
I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.
My success, literally, is your success figuratively.
He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.
There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.
I love everything about the South; I even love hate.
My manager has a car payment, so I work every night.
If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.
Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.
Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
I think; therefore, I am the center of the universe.
I'm an observer - a watcher of movies my whole life.
I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!
Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.
I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke.
Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.
I was thrilled to win a Tony in 2005 for 'Spamalot'.
I met my wife, Doreen, who was a dancer in the show.
I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.
Flee flattery, false praise and fair weather friends
The Gospel net never breaks; whosoever will may come
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim.
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
With sitcom writing, you're trying to write stories.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?