Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You know what? The obvious is obvious for a reason.
The underlying goal of comedy is feeling not-alone.
Amarillio, just turn to the left and 500 yards down
If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!
I like to ride the line between absurd and sincere.
I would always write lyrics and songs on the piano.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
We as human beings like to be cocksure and certain.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
I don't think you choose whether or not you're gay.
You're a musician, it is important that you suffer!
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.
I think Jews tend to hold me in fairly high regard.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush
Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.
The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
always remember your unique, just like everone else
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Things that I do tend not to work out commercially.
I support Bernie [Sanders] and I love his approach.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
I've never been in the music industry, only acting.
Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.
The art of acting is to be other than what you are.
Writing was not my medium. I preferred to do video.
I can open up any can of worms and get people upset.
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face.
So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots.
I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!