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When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.
I always loved jokes. It's such a dumb, facile thing to say, but it's true. I remember being a kid and getting those joke books from the Scholastic Book Club and loving comedy from a very young age.
The way people do an impression of me is they use the phrase, 'Who are these people who do this... ?' Then they do some not-quite-good-enough observational humour, which is the most offensive thing.
I could have done a night at the O2 in London, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not being big-headed, but for my act I can't be talking to an audience of 12,000 people. There's no intimacy.
At this point, I feel fairly comfortable in terms of performance. I think having a sketch background actually helps a lot. Because my background is acting, and stand-up, in a lot of ways, is acting.
On 'Friday,' I had a big trailer, and we would have a barbecue going and music playing. It was a fun set. There was too much involved for 'The Hangover' to be a fun set. They're trying to get money.
I've been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don't even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I'm changed. Now I feel regular. I feel like I'm supposed to.
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
Even after I got my divorce, the ink wasn't even dry on the paper, and I said, 'Ooh, the next time I become a wife, I got this thing down pat!' I always believed that there was someone built for me.
The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife has been madder at me because cell phone coverage dropped and she thought I hung up on her.
I don't get much respect from the industry in general, but that's OK. I didn't get into it for respect. I got into it to make people laugh, and that's what I'm doing. That's all I give a damn about.
I love photographs. I love taking photographs. When I see something that's great, I want to capture that. You put it out there and on a place like Instagram you can put it there and review it later.
I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One." And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.
I will always try to be happy. I don’t think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it’s like to be in that very, very dark place. It’s not romantic. Not even a little.
I just think of myself as a comedian, really. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.
It's much more painful to bomb in front of a group of yours peers than it is to not win. Tons of assholes ain't winning awards, but only one guy will be bombing. So, that's much more nerve-wracking.
I had a lot of guilt as a single mother trying to raise a child. I had to go to work and Jeffrey was screaming that he didn't want me to. You have to give yourself permission to let go of the guilt.
I wake up in the morning quite excited by the notion that I get to immediately have a meal. That's the thing that gets me out of bed - just the thought of having a poached egg, or even some granola.
I think any show has the potential to bring about social change. I do not think any one show in isolation can do it. I think it is a groundswell that needs to continue to be bolstered from all ends.
We all do that as human beings, you know? It's what my mom would call shopping on an empty stomach. You're going to buy food that you shouldn't because, at the time, you are reacting to your hunger.
I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.
My husband and I had recently been in a car accident, and I came out of that experience with more clarity about my career and the energy to continue to pursue it hard, no matter what the challenges.
My mother's great. She has the major looks. She could stop you from doing anything, through a closed door even, with a single look. Without saying a word, she has that power to rip out your tonsils.
Molly Shannon and I used to always talk about that we really felt strongly that we were comedic actors, that we weren't comedians. You just played things real and the comedy came out of the context.
I'm always thinking, 'my career is over, I have to move back to Omaha, and work on the railroad, with the rest of my family. So no, I'm never thinking I've 'arrived.' I think that's a good way to be.
There's something wonderful about that sort of Poirot, Agatha Christie-style investigation: cross-questioning all the witnesses and checking their stories, looking for means, motive, and opportunity.
I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
[The Republicans] are always asking the Muslims to denounce their extremists. And I agree with them. But they don't take that note and do it among their own. They don't denounce their own extremists.
And what's great is, you know, while 'Mike and Molly' are working on their health, that's their flaw, the people that surround them are actually- that's the mess. Those two have it together the most.
Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.
I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.
If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.
Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.
As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.
I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef.
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.
Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
I feel like comedy is doing well right now because there's so many avenues to be seen. Whether it's through the Internet with social media or web videos and now there's so many networks and TV shows.
A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.
Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie.
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
I have gone to many theaters where it is so unpleasant with the commercials before the movie, the volume, and the disrespect of the filmgoers. So I understand people not wanting to go to the theater.
I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.