Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication
I'm wired to be neurotic and loud and high-strung.
My job gives me the attention I'd otherwise crave.
When you are doing chemo, you have a load of time.
If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire
I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
I starred in Dr. Pepper commercials and Buick ads.
I like anything with Zak Bagans and ghost hunters.
I used to scrimp with Judy in one-room apartments.
I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.
Successful comedians are just as neurotic as I am.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck could run for vice president.
I'm a single mother. It's silly to turn down work.
Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.
I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.
My grandfather is great. He's a great grandfather.
It takes a real designer to design for real women.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.
We live in a nation where corporations are people.
Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.
The global business climate is likewhatever, dude.
I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.
Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage.
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.
I just love well-organized, very serious nonsense.
Whoever is saying the joke is my biggest priority.
I like putting myself in uncomfortable situations.
I haven't got a Cadillac. I've got a subway token.
The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.
In love, first please the eye, then win the heart.
What people respond to is intimacy and regularity.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You can laugh at anything. It depends on the joke.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
Strength does not have to be belligerent and loud.
I'm not really a cake man. I'm more a savoury guy.
It's always funny to find what people's button is.
My high school years were exactly like 'Superbad.'
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.