Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.
Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.
I wrote three books about growing up in the Bronx.
There's nothing like Nashville for making records.
Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
In this business, you can come and go in a second.
You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.
I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.
I love being famous. It's almost like being white.
My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
Now is the time for all good men to run like hell.
When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.
It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.
How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?
I haven't traditionally been a family entertainer.
Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
Truth is the baby of the world. It never gets old.
Some kind of way, we have to say enough is enough.
Set your goals to paper and you are halfway there!
Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
You can do anything you want, as long as it works.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
I've always felt that the truth is in the silence.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?
If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.
May I feel like I feel when I'm about to eat cake.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.
My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
I'm going to die unhappy. That's how artists roll!
Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.