Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
What was I drinking last night? Furniture polish?
I don't really see the point in offensive comedy.
It's some chopped liver. That's Jewish soul food.
If there is a God, why did he make me an atheist?
The grass isn't always greener on the other side!
My physique is down to 20 years of eating cheese.
I didn't like noisy cinemas when I wasn't famous.
I don't have moments of weakness. I'm Rik Mayall.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
I don't want to be a part of any Bollywood movie.
I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.
A bull in just about any shop is gonna be a mess.
I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.
The female nudity in movies is always sexualized.
I never defend my material. Comedy is subjective.
I would only date a 15 year old high school girl.
I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
My father is schizophrenia, but he's good people.
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.
But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.
I'd rather have my kid smoking pot than drinking.
The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial.
My mother converted, my mom converted to Judaism.
When you go on an audition it's very frightening.
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?
I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.
I always believed you could fix whatever problems.
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
All my memories of 'Father Ted' are very pleasant.
Every generation of children has its private hero.
That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.
Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.
I am so pro-swine flu it's - it's like ridiculous.
The serve was invented so that the net could play.
You can't fight fire with fire, or fear with fear.
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.
I am available for children's parties, by the way.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.
If my golf game was a prize fight, they'd stop it.
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.