Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.
I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.
For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.
I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.
Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.
I believe in the separation of church and planet.
It is part of my job description to be offensive.
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
I enjoy people even when they're being difficult.
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much
That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight.
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
There's a real sense of camaraderie with sitcoms.
The worst thing you can do with money is save it.
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
I've found that my humor goes over big in London.
If love was easy, there would be almost no music.
I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.
Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.
I'm from Chicago and it's a huge influence on me.
At home, I relax by gardening, or just pottering.
I am best viewed from a distance... and at night.
My Judaism has always been a great pride with me.
An only child, I always wanted a large hug-house.
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?
I grew up very Catholic. I wanted to be a priest.
I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.
The first thing you lose on a diet is brain mass.
Shooting a movie isn't good for a sleep disorder.
You know how Hollywood is: They just follow suit.
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
You haven't lived until you've died in California
Englishmen do like to get in a dress, any excuse.