Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
I love to be able to support other women comics.
Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.
Oh, it takes a lot for me to walk out of a film.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I make no bones about the fact that I'm over 40.
I'm a little bit of an amateur political junkie.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.
I say if you're worried, vote smart. Vote smart.
I’m just a big, hairy, American winning machine!
I would think beer and football go hand in hand.
I don't really have aspirations to be Tom Hanks.
Never having alone time is real tough on people.
I came to America to make it my home, and I did.
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.
I see myself as an avatar of curiosity and doubt.
It's kind of hard to believe that people love me.
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
I'm Irish. I don't know how to take a compliment.
Oh, I assure you, science is anything but boring.
Life is a mystery: you've just got to go with it.
The Dutch do have a slightly odd sense of humour.
A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.
There's no such thing as a 'stressful' situation.
Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.
In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts.
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.
I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.
I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.
Television. That's where movies go when they die.
At the end of your life, you're lucky if you die.
Theres nothing like Nashville for making records.
I want my kids to grow up to be a useful citizen.
I feel like I'm so normal. So normal it's boring.
I feel really qualified to write about Australia.
Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.
I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous.
I accept sceptics, you've got to have challenges.
The only rule is there's only one rule: no rules.
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.