Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
As a little kid when I would watch 'Monty Python'... that would just blow me away because it was just so silly and absurd, but so intelligent, and I loved that.
I like that feeling of discombobulation that comes in creating an absurd world that doesn't make sense. 'Monty Python' does a good job of it; 'Bugs Bunny,' too.
I love to hate [Wall Street] it, and I like it. I love the fact that I hate it and like it at the same time. Plus, Gordon Gekko is now [Donald] Trump, isn't he?
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
I've read the Bible, but I felt like a lot of the Bible was oppressive towards women. Then I read the Quran, and I thought it was also oppressive towards women.
Where you have 20 people who all share roughly the same educational and life experiences, they're going to come up with the same solutions to the same problems.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
If you strip away self-effacement, charm and the spirit of mischief-qualities that make determination and ambition tolerable- you're left with a right ar**hole.
Genuinely, the first gig I did when I was 18, it felt like the world shifted. I realised that I had stumbled upon a mechanism through which you could view life.
You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.
I go to my office nearly every day, and I'll sit there for six or seven hours and come up with ideas, and that's the only way I can justify turning up on stage.
I know most people don't like their jobs very much and don't get a lot of personal satisfaction from their jobs. That's something that I really do get a lot of.
The original idea [ of the Pineapple Express] came from Judd [Apatow] actually. He just kind of had the loose notion of like, 'What about a weed action movie?'.
People get all up in arms when I describe myself as a crip because what they hear is the word 'cripple,' and they hear a word you're not allowed to say anymore.
As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Harvey never had an original idea or thought in his life. I was out wandering around the country doing charity benefits, mainly, when I asked him to come along.
I was in a band in high school and college and I always had a love for music, but I didn't go to a conservatory or anything like that. I was fairly self-taught.
I was naive. Before 'Larrikins,' I thought passion, hard work, and a skill set will mean that anything you want to do will get done. I don't think that anymore.
Someone asked me the other day, 'What's the biggest influence on your filmmaking career?' And they started naming filmmakers. I went 'Naw, it's Jesus actually.'
It's like love making, the foreplay is the biggest part, the same thing as comedy. If you can frame your show in such a way that the funny jokes become funnier.
When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.
I thought it was a really good contrast to have a really sweet, sincere, church girl sitting next to the church lady who seemed kind of, you know, over the top.
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
I've come to be pretty selective about the type of advocacy that I do, because I kind of feel like it's stronger to just do my work and let it speak for itself.
I use an electric wheelchair because I have no sense of balance, and muscle spasticity has arched my spine like a cat's, while my legs are really just for show.
I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
I remember once having to stop performing when I thought an elderly man a few rows back from the front was actually going to die because he was laughing so hard.
My favourite restaurant is the Thai Corner Cafe on St Paul's Road. We go there all the time. I shouldn't really mention it - I don't want it to be chock-a-block.
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
I am going through a Neil Young phase. I also listen to a lot of alternative country, a band called Smog and Bonnie Prince Billy, which is very dark and twisted.
While I try to retain the slightly odd perspective and some of the innocence, it's really liberating to be able to talk/rant about all the stuff that bothers me.
I'm trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I've ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It's called going to sleep. Maybe you've heard of it.
The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
I was asked to perform at the Olympics Opening Ceremony. But I was up a tree in Borneo filming a documentary about Alfred Russel Wallace! So it couldn't be done.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. If you take them just for emergency, that's all they're gonna get.
Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said, 'Marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what's ruining this country.'
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
As a comic, I've heard gunshots while I'm trying to get to sleep. I've performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.
It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.
Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.
I've always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.
Get out of our schools God, get out of our textbooks God, get out of our government God, go away God, go away God, go away God, Katrina hits, God, where are you?
I was a disabled child. So, people made fun of me, don't pretend like this never happens. But at the same time, I never cried about it. I never got sad about it.
To me, success is when you can walk into Ralph's and buy anything you want. Ultimate success, however, is when Ralph can walk into you and buy anything he wants.
Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls.
In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.