Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We need to take urgent action on climate change.
The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.
Motherhood . . . is an act of infinite optimism.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I don't really have a theatre background at all.
I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.
Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.
Moderation is never something I've been good at.
I'm not terribly ambitious, not terribly driven.
Billy Crystal, Steve Martin do wonderful things.
There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.
In my early years doing standup, I bombed a lot.
Fact about me - I love jumping over/into things.
Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.
What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.
I know my name will always be linked with women.
A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
you don't know what you think unless you say it.
Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
What does America love more than one white male?
Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood.
I really love the Frank Miller 'Year One' stuff.
First and foremost, I just want to write comedy.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I just think that life is a constant experiment.
I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection.
The simple fact is, offense is taken, not given.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
I grew up watching British comedy on TV, really.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.