Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Fight for what is true. What is true is enough.
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
I don't think I gain anything by seeing myself.
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
I'm here today because I hated everything else.
I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
Even a blind dog can find a bone every so often.
Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.
Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.
My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.
I'm afraid I'm very optimistic - and moralistic.
More than anything, I enjoy making people laugh.
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers
Romance is a different word than sexual contact.
Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
People saw 'Moonlight' because it was excellent.
All that social media hyperbole is just so fake.
I have this ongoing obsession with Meryl Streep.
If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.
Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.
When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.
A dream project is anything I do when I'm awake.
First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.
A great piece of comedy is a verbal magic trick.
My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.
I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.
Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.
You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.
Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.
I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!
I think they named the orange before the carrot.
That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.
Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.
Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.
I don't believe that competitions are important.
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
I do fantasize about having my own shop one day.
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.