Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.
I accept the responsibility but not the blame. Let me explain the difference. Those who are to blame lose their jobs. Those who are responsible do not.
Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
I'm always watching films. The Academy pretty much sends me every film that's ever been done. I enjoy watching them, especially with the people I know.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in arch... in years that have an Olympics.
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised... yeah, it's a similar feeling, sure.
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
We had not had time to establish ourselves as a double act before Ernie joined the Merchant Navy. I teamed up with the brother of the late Dave Morris.
I think we live in a country that sometimes forgets how effective the rule of law is, perhaps because our governments have often found it inconvenient.
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.
If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup.
If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.
I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.
Susan, an only child who never had any roots, and I, a lone wolf who got married 20 years to late, were adopted by the kids as much as they were by us.
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? If I'm a game show host, will I get an offer to do a dramatic role in a movie?
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.
At Ken Lay's funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.
Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.
Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming.
Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid
You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.
Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip.
Of course, Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book.
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
My sister and I created a show called 'The Real Life Brady Bunch,' which was sort of a theatrical sensation that got us attention in L.A. and New York.
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.
I think more people should worry about where they store things in the fridge. I don't think people are on top of separating raw and cooked ingredients.
I think the term 'Twitter comedian' can seem like a pejorative because it's not a job, really, and there's such a low barrier for entry to get started.
Never have I got on better with my flatmates than when our landlord installed a dodgy deadlock and locked us out of our flat for a full Friday evening.
I feel like when being raised in New York City I have a particular perspective on things like Gay issues maybe, because I'm in the middle of Manhattan.
To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.
Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.
I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.
I sort of get tired of myself sometimes. When you're busy, your life becomes relatively small. But I don't really get tired of talking to other people.
It may have lost its special-ness forever and the clubs might not being doing well but I think standup is in the best shape it has been in a long time.
I definitely script things out. I definitely write things down and try to write jokes. Often, they're terrible. I often write terrible, terrible jokes.