Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.
Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.
A lot of times the mainstream public loves something, critics will hate it and then they'll think the public is stupid and they're above the public.
I have exposed so much of my own real life. Like I feel like I always try to be honest and I always try to talk about where I am at and what I want.
It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be.
I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.
There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.
It's great to have people come out. I do worry, though. They know me very intimately, in a way, if they listen to my show; they know a lot about me.
There's things I know I'm good at, and those things interest me less and less. I learn a lot more from doing it wrong than I do from doing it right.
The kids growing up is a separate strand to your life. However bad a day you've had, that's the most important thing, and you have to remember that.
Many fans don't have the leisure time to track my every word. They're too busy brainstorming solutions to the economic crisis and winning Pulitzers.
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
There's a great feeling of powerlessness in America. When I express ideas to people, they say, 'That's terrific, but do you think it really counts?'
My entryway into hip-hop was - my biggest introduction was obviously like, you know, the Def Jam, Run D.M.C., Beastie Boys, like, that conglomerate.
I do have weird habits when I'm directing, or even think as a director, like when I move a cup, I make sure to put it back in the exact right place.
Over the years, I've trained my hair to do what I say, and it's usually well behaved. I often reward my hair with special treats when it pleases me.
A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
The public was used to a Pauly Shore film coming out every year or two, you understand? So when that went away, the public lost familiarity with me.
You can either just have fun with the joke or you can have fun with the joke and think about the implication of it. It's totally up to the listener.
I know what my sweet spot has been. It's personal stuff, dysfunction, fear of intimacy, family stuff, psychology stuff. I eviscerate myself onstage.
I think that's the fundamental thing - you can go anywhere you like as long as you're following a character that the audience likes and understands.
There's a difference between a job and a career - if you're the boss you don't stop at six o'clock, you have to worry about everything all the time.
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
My life is quite normal and for me it helps with my comedy. If you jump headlong into celebrity life it affects who you are and what you talk about.
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
I am happier with my face since I started wearing glasses at 27, because they punctuate it. They also hide one of my biggest defects, my baggy eyes.
Mike Holmes is insanely talented and his work bristles with the kind of humanity and insight that is rare in comics – or in humans, for that matter.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I don't think things are getting more insane. I do know that the country is more divided than it's ever been. Tensions in America are at their peak.
As I was not a good singer - I have started to sing. And because no one could write an appropriate song for me - I started to write songs by myself.
Relationship humour gets the most laughs. If I'm able to get the women laughing, men will have to laugh along because they would be scared to death.
I would love to work with Bill Murray. I've always been such a big fan. I think he's obviously a great comedic actor but a really interesting actor.
I liked 35 and in both my novels that is the age of the lead characters. I tried making them my age but they just seemed to keep moaning about stuff.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Tony Currie was another great favourite, even if he only played for a short time at Leeds. His wife told me once that she was a big fan of 'My Hero'.
I'd probably be one of these terribly over-protective parents whose children become a neurotic wreck because they've never been exposed to real life.
Family helps you make clearer choices about things. Your priorities become clearer. Your obligations become clearer, and that is something I welcome.
I didn't have any brothers or sisters, so I did a lot of stuff where I entertained myself playing games, reading a lot, a lot of fantasy novel stuff.
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.