Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell.
My mother said to me, 'Why do you have to call yourself a dyke? Why can't you be a nice lesbian?' 'Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke.'
I suppose if your parents die in their 50s and you are approaching 50, you see that you are definitely not in the first half of your life any more.
Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!
"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
If you are very religious, and your religion teaches you that conception equals a baby, I don't know how I'm ever going to win you over to my side.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.
I'm not against people just being funny or telling stories. I don't need to delve into the soft, dark core all the time. If it happens, it happens.
You didn't hear Yello until later in the night in the bondage clubs. Things would start getting crazy and that's when you'd hear Yello. It was bad.
Follow your heart. Do what you love. Because I was constantly struggling with that. If it's in your heart, go for it. Don't listen to other people.
I've had people come up to me after the show and say, 'Why did you not make fun of Pakistan?' People are actually upset you didn't talk about them.
I never met Barbara Cartland. But now that I'm working on her life, I wish I had. I think there was a lot of pathos in it and I'm intrigued by her.
Whenever anyone asks me if I'm from a TV show, I say yes - no matter whether I've ever been on it. It just makes the conversation that much easier.
Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Why marry myself to an entire album? I don't have to. If I download four songs from somebody on an iTunes sojourn, that's about as good as it gets.
You're still young. Don't panic. It's hard to know what you should be doing in your 20s. Try different things, have some fun, and see what happens.
The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.
I'm going to continue to try to strike a balance, because I really, really do love doing stand-up, and I don't see why it should affect the acting.
I fly around with chicks on each arm and have no script. I just talk about what I feel like. But that's why my act works: I'm like this normal guy.
People complain that joking about serious subjects is 'making light' of them. Isn't that a good idea? Comedy lets the air out of the bully's tires.
If you're struggling and you just get a sense when you're writing that you might be running out of ideas, that's when I think you should walk away.
I grew up in a little town in Arkansas called Clarksville and it was a weird existence, you know? I grew up white trash; we had holes in our walls.
If we were all sitting around as different races and as different religions, if you were a real friend of these people, you would bust on them all.
When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.
The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.
Canadians want to know that our trade with the United States will continue and that we won't get into any kind of trade war with the United States.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Audiences around the world are all pretty similar. People just rock up and want to have a laugh, although Americans whoop more than English crowds.
With 'Mumbai Calling,' I was surprised it was ITV that went for it because it didn't traditionally seem like the kind of programme they would make.
My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.
I can see myself adopting. I'm not in a rush to do it. I'm 39, I know, but I do love kids, and I'm very good - I've got a lot of really good moves.
We all learn how to use the bodies we're born with, or learn to use them in an adjusted state, whether those bodies are considered disabled or not.
I have always been an impassioned advocate for the works of Shakespeare. I regard him as one of the most complete miracles of his or any other age.
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.
I'm dancing tango, and I'm playing golf, and I'm quite active, you know, and for my age and everything, and what I've gone through, I'm very happy.
I knew of like - I remember, for most of my life, I grew up, and "Knight Rider" was, you know - David Hasselhoff was a Dutch character in my world.
Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing.
Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.
If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.
In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?