Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sometimes, what you do you have no control over because it's predestined. It's gonna happen in spite of you. There's nothing you can do about it.
The best part about stand-up is that you control everything. Period. When you work in movies, or on TV shows, there are 50 other people involved.
The best comedies are the ones where the person who's in charge is the one with the vision who's said, 'I'm staying with this till the very end.'
The United States were a 35-year-old man, I think he'd be in a mental institution. Violent tendencies - delusions of grandeur - medicate heavily.
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
I have to keep reminding myself that I am their mother. Sometimes we are sitting at home and I feel like we are waiting for our mom to come home.
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.
I've reached the age of 32 with little wisdom, I'm afraid. It's tragic. I still have to turn to my mum and dad for every decision I make in life.
I have a phenomenal memory. I remember every single thing that anybody said to me, ever did to me, who was nice to me and who was not nice to me.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!
You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.
I do not identify as a person with a disability. I'm a disabled person. And I'll be a monkey's disabled uncle if I'm going to apologise for that.
The problem for many people with disabilities is not that we are not able to work a certain number of hours a week. It's that no-one will let us.
The church has no power over our lives any more, which is something of a blessing for those who do not enjoy red-hot pokers or iron thumb-screws.
Love is the essential energy of the universe. It is the force that puts the stars in the firmament, and it makes the blood run through the veins.
Marijuana at the time we were making movies [with Cheech Marine] was not that readily available and I do prefer to be coherent when I am working.
Well, I think there's not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends.
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.
I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
We're dealing with old issues that aren't ours. We carry them and we pass them on to those who come after us. I am hoping to crack some of those.
Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.
When I was ten, I wrote an essay on what I would be when I grew up and said I would be a professional soccer player and a comedian in off season.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
You may not have a physical impairment, but you have things, whether it's finances, self-esteem, it doesn't matter. It's cut from the same cloth.
I think you can feel good about yourself at any size and any shape. Nobody should be made to feel inferior because they have a certain body type.
I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
If you hide what you really are, then there's going to be problems in marriage down the road. I don't mind if a girl is aggressive. It's just sex.
I never go see a comic. The only one I'd ever really want to see is Don Rickles. He might be 80 years old, but he blows everyone out of the water.
I really have to edit myself - I need someone with a censor button around me all the time. I'm just a little unaware of what's deemed appropriate.
Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
The pun exists in a social and political void, caring nothing for the issues of its day, content merely to display itself in its small cleverness.
Being away from my family for six months a year - even if it was in the beautiful surroundings of Guadeloupe in the Caribbean - was just too hard.
I get dissatisfied really easily, and I have to constantly keep moving; I have to constantly keep doing things. I find it very hard to switch off.
I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.
I realised that the 'future' is different to how I imagined it. When I was a kid I thought it would be a bright, shiny Tomorrow's World. It isn't.
What people are tired of, the people who agree with me, what they're tired of is listening to that sound, the sound of the people who've given up.
The key to changing our past, present, and future is to create our piece of the PIE (our Perceptions, Interpretations, & Expectations) on purpose.
To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.
What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.
People learn English from 'Full House.' Candace's husband, Valeri Bure, he learned to speak English watching it... 'Aw, nuts.' 'You got it, dude.'
The beauty of not growing up middle class is that you don't think like the middle class. You don't have anything to protect, you know what I mean?
We are a multicultural country - always have been, and to our credit, always will be. It is something that we should be very proud of and embrace.
I've always wanted to be able to say that I come from Los Angeles, California and feel quintessentially American - even if I said that in Spanish.
You may have read that I went to M.I.T. In 1982 I filled out a Who's Who survey with joking responses, and they never bothered to check the facts.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.